where did all my existential prose go?
all the uncertainty of the looming future and underscored emotional feelings i could freely write about before?
i don't know, it probably got lost alongside my thirst for cathartic music and cheap television.
got lost along with my daily diary entries and attempts at sketching, painting and making messy collages.
like most people, i got too preoccupied i guess.
other things in life got in the way.
maybe owe it to all the night spent with friends and beer,
with the boy,
eating in obscure or not too obscure places,
or worrying about graduating with honors just to say "aha!" to all the people who didn't believe in me.
all my existential woes were for this looming "future" i was so uncertain about,
and the funny thing is,
now that i'm here,
i still don't know many things.
in fact, i probably haven't grown much since the days i talked about "not knowing" or an "itch that couldn't be scratched".
up until last night, i was pretty sure i would never feel those things again.
until i wake up in the morning to make it to a 9 am working time do i realize,
"holy shit, i've totally gone full circle and i'm back to where i was before. unsure."
really, if we keep on putting off the things we really like, when will we ever get to the point where we take that leap of faith to pursue our little girl dreams?
does it have to reach total exhaustion, depression, or some other fiasco before we finally say, "okay, i'm just gonna do whatever the fuck i want."
sometimes i question where my fighting spirit went.
not that i've given up.
i like to say, and think, that i've got it all planned out.
sometimes we need to keep on fighting the good fight.
but sometimes, we also need to learn how to bow down and lay it all to experience.
i love learning. and this is only the beginning.